


What we've come to be

by Talented_but_Lazy



Series: Setting fire to our insides for fun [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Gen, POV Alternating, POV Second Person, weird style
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 09:39:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4782629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talented_but_Lazy/pseuds/Talented_but_Lazy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>'S-so, your name is Hide?' you ask in an effort to ease the awkwardness.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Hide sighs lightly, closes his eyes and when he opens them, his face lights up in a smile. 'Hideyoshi Nagachika, at your service.' He offers you his left hand and you take it.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Nagachika's eyes aren't smiling. </i>
</p><p>Set in early spring after the Auction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What we've come to be

It's evening, time to close. A light rain drizzles outside, soft pitter-patter against the windows.

You have no reason to hurry. You are an owner of this cafe and you can stay for as long as you want. Besides, you have an old friend as a guest.

'So now that you two have met him, it's my turn, isn't it?' The guest asks with a small chuckle, bitter as the coffee he sips.

'I wouldn't say so.' The other answers. 'He's different.'

'Kaneki is Kaneki.'

You shake your head. 'Stop living in the past,' you say with a soft frown, drying a cup that was ready minutes ago.

'He doesn't remember us. He's not the same.'

'Didn't you say he called your name, Nishiki? And didn't you say he cried over your coffee, Touka? I'd call that remembering.'

'It wasn't until I called him Kaneki that he recognised me. Besides, I think the fight was what brought him out.'

'Forget him, Hide,' you say more sternly. 'He forgot you. It's time to move on.'

He chuckles again, shaking his head. 'I'll be the judge of that, when we meet.'

* * *

It's your day off and you feel strangely attracted to that :re cafe.

You take a seat by the window and the beautiful waitress from last time takes your order. You wish she could stay a bit more so you could ask her for her name, though... Wouldn't that be a bit creepy?

You settle for just looking out the window. You aren't really looking at anything or one in particular but your eyes fall on a black and red scarf and you're taken out of your trance.

The person limps into the cafe and you can't help but stare. They glance at you and your eyes meet for the first time in years.

Wait, years?

Who is this?!

The person forgets where they're going and instead walks towards you. You swallow, sit up straight, try fixing your tie, no you just have a collar.

'Hello?' You hear yourself say and the person smiles and something in you turns- that smile is wrong.

After a few seconds of awkward silence you stutter, 'I'm- I'm sorry, you just look very familiar and-'

'I may know you. Mind if I sit?'

'No, not at all,' you hurry to say and remove your bag from the other seat, putting it behind yourself on the chair.

The waitress comes back with your order. Strong black coffee, no sugar, a spoon on the saucer.

She takes a moment to glare at the stranger, who just says, 'Hey, Touka. The usual.'

Touka, as you now know the waitress's name, purses her lips and says, a light blush creeping up her cheeks, 'I won't warn you again, Hide.' And she's off to make the order. You can't shake the feeling of deja vu as she hurries away.

'S-so, your name is Hide?' you ask in an effort to ease the awkwardness.

Hide sighs lightly, closes his eyes and when he opens them, his face lights up in a smile. 'Hideyoshi Nagachika, at your service.' He offers you his left hand and you take it.

His grip is cold calculation trying to come off as what it is not; it sends shivers down your spine. A voice whispers to you that something is very wrong. You trust it.

Nagachika's eyes aren't smiling.

'I'm- Oh wait,' you rummage around your pockets and take out your badge. 'Rank 1 Ghoul Inspector Haise Sasaki.'

'Oh? You're quite high up.' Nagachika thinks a bit before adding. 'You know, I worked for the CCG a few years ago too.'

'You did?' You ask in surprise. Maybe this is why Nagachika looks so familiar. But didn't he just say "a few years ago"? He could've been working before you were taken by the CCG.

'I hope it's not too personal to ask why you no longer work there?'

'It's alright, Sasaki- Can I call you that?' You nod and he continues. 'I had a bad run-in with a ghoul and can't really do field work anymore, but I can't stand offices.' As he's speaking you notice him rubbing his right shoulder, looking away. You find with surprise that the sleeve is empty.

You take a sip of your coffee to wash away the guilty lump that starts forming in your throat.

Nagachika's coffee comes silently and Touka retreats again to serve other clients; she doesn't once look at you.

The two of you hold careful conversation for a while.

Nagachika has eased up. There's still something wrong that you cannot pinpoint, but the whisper in your ear has been quiet, so you guess nothing can be done.

* * *

_'We can make you a new arm, your insurance covers it.' The doctor says. You don't answer, thinking._

_'What you did was very brave, you must be rewarded for your contribution to humanity.'_

_The cogs of your brain whirr before getting into the right gear._

_'No.' An artificial limb hasn't even been in consideration, you just needed some time to process what was asked of you. It is still hard to concentrate._

_'Excuse me?'_

_'I don't want a fake arm. I don't want anything to do with you.'_

_Silence._

_'I will return tomorrow. I do hope you make up your mind.'_

_'I won't.' You whisper as the doctor exits._

You look at your reflection, fingers trace bite marks, claw marks, scar tissue long since healed. A chunk of meat, forever gone, to sustain him. Bitter half-smile. He wasn't even the one to take your arm, no, he just rendered it so useless the doctors had no other choice but to remove it

For him you'd give all. If a certain friend is to be asked, you have already given far more than you should.

Were you not living with the hope to see him again, you would have ceased long ago. But each day you force food and drink down. It doesn't taste the same. Nothing tastes as good as you think you remember.

Your apartment is a barren landscape, fit to be a cold prison cell.

You don't feel much of anything lately, though today feels better than most days. Still, you don't feel as good as you thought you would upon meeting him.

He seems alien, wrong. What has happened between your last encounter and now?

You gave away so much so he could live and be happy. If he's happy, you'll be happy too.

But is he happy?

He doesn't look it.

Fingers map out the marks from his teeth, a harsh reminder of your sacrifice. Was it all in vain?

_Screaming. Intense pain. Looming death._

_Suffocation._

_He battles invisible demons. You can't help._

_You never can help him._

_You talk. He whimpers._

_'Let's go home, Kaneki.'_

_You come closer. He crumbles._

_Teeth meet flesh._

_Your body screams to flee but you are anchored._

_Searing pain muffles you as you are ripped apart._

_Your only regret is not being able to do more._

* * *

Shadows in the corners, images in the mirrors, de ja vus in the day, terrors in the night.

Names come and go, pictures flash before your eyes, forgotten as quickly as they are remembered.

You idly wonder what your past was like, why you can't remember a thing... Or if you even want to do so at all.

Sometimes the image in the mirror moves on its own, sometimes it directly stares at you. Sometimes you hear it whisper his name.

You lie in bed, unable to sleep.

Nagachika.

Hideyoshi Nagachika.

Before you realise it you have said the name, its syllables rolling strangely comfortably on your tongue.

Hide.

An unnamed emotion chokes you. You turn to your side and curl into a ball.

' _Haise_ ,' he says, unusually soft.

He knows Nagachika, you think. Maybe he'll finally tell you something?

' _Something's wrong_ ,' he says.

Nothing new, he said that already.

What did he know that man as? Why is he wrong?

' _Talk to him again_ ,' the voice breathes and you're alone again.

You sigh and uncurl. Tomorrow you'll try to find out more about this person.

* * *

Mornings are usually grey. Today it is mostly bright. Painfully so.

Your head is heavy with the beginning of a headache you know will last the whole day.

You consider staying in bed all day, but the memory of yesterday reminds you that you have a lot of work to do, now that you've met him again. Your pulse raises, which invites your headache to come and cloud your mind.

But today it does not cloud. You push away the pain and go to the only wall of your apartment that is not bare. It is time to remind Kaneki of who he was.

* * *

Today you managed to request permission for the archives of the CCG. You should be allowed to go through them tomorrow.

The evening goes by calmly.

Urie is not home, as usual.

Mutsuki helps you with dinner, silently. You appreciate it.

Dinner passes with normal banter between Shirazu and Saiko, occasionally trying to drag you into it, but soon giving up, seeing you aren't really there. You sometimes wonder why you spend dinner with them. You can't eat. They wonder too, probably. You want to be a good mentor, but you can't share more than a glass of water or a cup of coffee with them.

Your thoughts are on the encounter yesterday, on Nagachika.

You are brought out of your thoughts by Mutsuki, asking you if you wouldn't like him to wash the dishes instead, you look tired, Sasaki.

You look down and wonder when dinner had ended, when you'd gathered the plates and started washing them. You put down the dish and sponge, rinse your hands, make sure Mutsuki doesn't mind washing them, don't forget to thank him.

Then, without another word, you're walking up the stairs, the door closes, you lock it, you slowly slide to the floor down the wall.

Fingers run through mismatched hair, massage a burning scalp under which thoughts race and lose and slow down again.

You want to run out into the cold night air, find Nagachika, make him tell you everything he knows about you.

You also want to stay in your room and never leave it again.

Kaneki is silent today.

You get off the floor, look around, touch your desk, collapse onto the bed. You curl into yourself under the covers for another sleepless night.

* * *

You can't help but look into the mirror again.

Long gone are the days when your hair was golden, with a bit of brown at the top. Like a sunflower.

It's laughable when you think about it.

Your hair is a matted brown, perhaps about as tired as you.

It's not that you don't shower - you do so every morning, sometimes evenings too. Routines keep you grounded, somehow.

But you haven't cared for your appearance in a while.

You twirl a lock of hair between your fingers. It reaches beyond your shoulders, so the next moment your hand is holding a pair of scissors, then they are cutting.

It takes you half an hour to complete the impromptu haircut, and it is far from even, but you feel... refreshed. Rejuvenated.

The Hide that stares back at you from the mirror looks a bit more familiar than the Hide you were till now. You can’t lie to yourself, though. The Hide of the past is dead.

But for him, for Kaneki, you could simulate his ressurection.

You get an idea that should help you bring Kaneki back.

* * *

Haise's rummaging through the CCG's archives is mostly fruitless.

You snort (as much as an entity like you can snort) at the basic information the documents have about Hide. Names, height, weight, an address you presume is fake. Not his birthday, no background information. You wonder how he got employed at all.

It's strange to think he turned to the CCG. You tried so hard to protect him, and yet he put himself on the line for you. And he paid the price, by the looks of his state. Where’s the sunshine you once knew?

The only detail that gets your interest is when he reads that name.

Aogiri Tree.

Hide had bugged a suspicious ghoul, which had led him to the base.

The CCG then raided the base.

Thanks to him, your escape was easier.

Haise expects you to react but you are too deep in thought, back in that checkered room, the chains are again around your limbs-

Did Hide see you that night?

* * *

You develop the habit of visiting :re on your days off.

Each time Nagachika is waiting there for you.

Touka and her coworkers stay professional, only staying enough to take and bring your orders. No chit-chat.

His eyes remain the colour of frozen soil, untouched by the warmth of a smile for a long time.

Sometimes as you talk, he's looking at you but you stare a bit longer and realise his eyes are looking through, beyond you, a thousand miles away, into another time, a distant lifetime.

A lifetime where 'Kaneki Ken' still existed and you did not.

You purse your lips and decide to instead use this opportunity to learn more about your old self.

He doesn't tell you that much. Nothing about himself.

But slowly, he takes a new shape.

You notice by each next visit that he seems more animated, less stiff, a bit more colour bleeds into his clothing.

His hair isn't in a messy ponytail anymore, rather cut short and rather clumsily but the voice in your ear sighs with a faint smile so you guess at least that is right.

* * *

Your meetings at :re come to a stop.

One day you walk into the cafe and Touka and Nagachika are talking. It rather looks like arguing but they are quiet enough that you don't hear a word.

You stay by the door, not wanting to intrude.

Nagachika stands up more abruptly than you expect and you notice him swaying a bit, but then he turns around and starts walking towards the door, not really looking up.

His face is clouded by anger even when his eyes meet yours. Then he stops.

You want to look away but hold his gaze as it cools down.

'Is there a problem?' You ask carefully.

'Touka doesn't want me in her cafe anymore.' Hide answers simply.

You blink a few times, think of ordering coffee to-go, but dismiss the idea. It doesn't seem too polite.

'Do you want to go to another cafe? Or a walk?' You ask.

'A walk,' he says and you leave :re together. You look back in time to meet Touka's gaze and chills run down your spine.

You guess you aren't wanted here either.


End file.
